


I'd Hold You Closer Than I Ever Did Before

by lovethatwewerein



Series: 'Cause I'm Not Fine At All [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, Past Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26855851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovethatwewerein/pseuds/lovethatwewerein
Summary: Blaine’s here, without Kurt, and it takes him a moment to reconcile him with the boy he had known two years ago. His hair is plastered down, the honey of his eyes dimmed to a dull brown, the confident smile turned into a frown that tugs on his heartstrings. He knows they aren’t friends, that they’d gone from friends to near-lovers to strangers in the blink of an eye, but that doesn’t stop him from needing to comfort the shorter boy, from his innate desire to make Blaine feel loved.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Series: 'Cause I'm Not Fine At All [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959136
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	I'd Hold You Closer Than I Ever Did Before

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from 'Amnesia' by 5 Seconds of Summer.

Blaine’s here, without Kurt, and it takes him a moment to reconcile him with the boy he had known two years ago. His hair is plastered down, the honey of his eyes dimmed to a dull brown, the confident smile turned into a frown that tugs on his heartstrings. He knows they aren’t friends, that they’d gone from friends to near-lovers to strangers in the blink of an eye, but that doesn’t stop him from needing to comfort the shorter boy, from his innate desire to make Blaine feel loved. 

So he pulls him into his dorm room, tugs him by the wrist until they’re resting side by side, Blaine curled into his chest. It’s been too long since they had a moment of bliss like this one, since he let himself hold Blaine without lust or Kurt getting in the way, and, in many ways, he thinks that he might’ve needed this just as much. 

They stay like that, limbs interlocked on a bed too small, until Blaine sniffles and pushes against him, puts the icy distance that’s existed between them since sophomore year back where it had been. He doesn’t let it deter him, has never taken Blaine’s horrible belief that he’s not to be loved into account, especially when he’s been crying, so he doesn’t shift, doesn’t let each piece of him meeting Blaine’s skin fall away. 

“Why are you here, Blaine?” He whispers and it may be the most quiet he’s been since the beginning of senior year, since losing his captaincy to the dumbest person he may have ever met. 

“Don’t,” Blaine whispers in response, his cheeks coated in tears yet to dry. The words are scratchy, almost verging on begging, and he doesn’t know what to do. Whenever it’s come down to it, he isn’t good with words, can’t offer Blaine the comfort that Wes always could, that Kurt apparently could. “Please.” 

And that makes his decision, makes abandoning words and choosing to convey every last hope he’d had for Blaine’s return with his body. It’s the same as it’s always been, each of them knowing the other to their core, despite anything that may have come between them. It’s a push and pull scenario and neither of them are willing to pull away. 

*

He wakes up to sunlight streaming through curtains he never remembered to close. There is no Hunter, that much he’s sure of, because there’s no cat scratching at his face. There’s something tickling his nose though, soft and fine, and, for just a moment, he thinks it could be the cat. That the blasted animal has come to like him after all. 

Except it isn’t, because there’s no way Hunter’s cat could wrap an arm around his waist, that he could bury his cold nose in Sebastian’s neck and breathe softly. There’s no way it’s the cat, because the cat can’t be naked, can’t be pressed against Sebastian’s side like this without some strange prevented thing having happened. 

“What are you panicking about?” is mumbled into his neck and, even though he’s sure he didn’t go to scandals last night, there’s a boy in his bed. “It’s too early for this, Sebastian.” 

It all comes back to him then, Blaine outside the door with his brightness turned down, with his personality twisted into whatever it had become since they had last spoken. Their unbroken rules, his inability to talk things through - every part of it screamed at him, at his mistakes, but Blaine wasn’t yelling at him so he couldn’t have done too badly. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s, like, nine,” he answers, daring to push Blaine just slightly closer to his body. It’s received and relief spreads through him like wildfire, warms him from head to toe almost as much as Blaine does. “We have to get up soon if we want breakfast.” 

“Or,” Blaine counters, lifting his head up for just a second to look Sebastian in the eye. There’s still some gel clinging to his hair but the majority of it is gone, ringlets falling across his eyes and curling behind his ears. “We could sleep in some more and go out for breakfast.” 

He laughs, light and airy, because this is the Blaine he remembers. Blaine with hair that caught in the wind and that hated mornings. That wore jeans and had no issues teasing him over the smallest of things. That had been his friend and, if he hadn’t been so scared, more. 

“You’re a bad influence, Anderson,” he murmurs when Blaine settles back down beside him, wrapping himself in a cocoon created by Sebastian’s arms. Blaine snorts and, as difficult as it is, he manages to drift off with the curtains still open, the room left in a golden haze. 

*

There’s a second, after waking up the next time, that he thinks he dreamed Blaine up. He isn’t there, and it wouldn’t be the first time Sebastian had, but then he walks out of the bathroom in one of Sebastian’s hoodies from freshman year, the sleeves still just a bit too long, and his heart settles. 

“Are you planning to get breakfast with me or not?” 

He lifts his head from the pillow, stares at where Blaine is bending down to tie his shoelaces. It’s a great sight, one he got used to before everything had fallen apart, and he wonders if they can go back, if he still has a chance. 

“Give me ten minutes,” he says, dragging himself from the warmth of his comforter. The shower isn’t as hot as he’d like, not leaving himself enough time to let it heat through, but he washes quickly, brushing his teeth as he goes. Within eleven minutes, he’s joined Blaine on his bed, the sheets fixed neatly and, god, he forgot about that weird quirk of Blaine’s. 

“You didn’t have to make my bed, you know?” He says as they leave Dalton and, if he’s honest, it seems like he’s the only one that cares about what they did, the only one that wants answers. “I would’ve done it.” 

“No you wouldn’t,” Blaine shakes his head, leading them to his car. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you make your own bed.” 

“Just because you’ve never seen it, doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened.” 

“Whatever you say, Sebastian.” And then they’re off, Blaine driving him to somewhere unknown and, because of all the murder podcasts Hunter enjoys listening to, he briefly considers this being the moment he’s lured to his death. A pretty boy and food on his radar would definitely be enough to convince him that he was safe. 

He is safe, as it turns out, because Blaine takes them to a small 24-hour diner near his house that he always mentioned but never brought him to before. He greets the waitress by name and, when she isn’t surprised that Kurt isn’t with him, he has to ask himself whether Blaine ever let Kurt join him on trips here. 

They both order chocolate chip pancakes, the only small difference being Blaine’s request for strawberries, and it’s just like old times, when there wasn’t an intricate past lingering over their heads. When there wasn’t a shared history and another boy to come between them. 

The food is good, really good, and he can see why Blaine loves it here. Everyone is really kind and, when they laugh just a bit too loudly, the old lady slowly working her way through a muffin just smiles at them. 

He finishes his food, finishes his coffee and, when Blaine goes to pay, he orders them both a water because they need to talk, he needs to talk. 

“What’s wrong?” Blaine asks, eyes wide and face pulling into a frown. He wants to stop himself, wants to ride out this high with Blaine before Kurt inevitably re-enters the picture and he’s left lonely once more. He doesn’t. 

“Why are you here?” 

Blaine blinks, a quick breath sucked into his lungs. “To eat breakfast?” 

“You know what I mean,” he says, twisting the straw in his water around just to focus on something that isn’t Blaine. “It’s not like we’ve spoken much since you chose Kurt over me.” 

“I didn’t choose Kurt-” 

“You did,” he sighs, thinking back on that moment, the day Blaine said he was leaving. Even now, he couldn’t be sure anything he said would’ve convinced Blaine to stay. “You chose Kurt and you left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I hated myself almost as much as I hated you for a long time.” 

“I didn’t mean to do that, Sebastian,” Blaine says and there’s a crack, the slightest of breaks in his voice that pulls Sebastian’s head away from the table. “I never wanted to hurt you.” 

“I know.” 

They drift into silence and it’s difficult to imagine what could have been. He’d spent hours thinking up scenarios where Blaine stayed, where Sebastian was enough, after he’d left with Kurt. All of them seemed plausible at the time, a world where they could have been more, but he could feel them pinching at his skin now, at his mind and his heart. 

“So why did you come to me last night?” 

“I-” Blaine hesitates, his cheeks flaming as he stares down at the table. He hears him swallow, hears the cogs in Blaine’s brain turning as he tries to find an excuse. He tries desperately not to let on that it hurts. “I needed a friend.” 

It’s not he’s expecting, an admission that Blaine still considers him important. Why would he, when all he’s sure of is that they’ve barely spoken in a year? “You have other friends, Blaine.” 

“Is it so difficult for you to understand that I wanted to see you?” 

“Yes,” he huffs, bitterness seeping into his tone. “Yes, it is. We were verging on something and then Kurt showed up and it was like I was nothing to you. Like I didn’t matter. So, excuse me if I’m struggling to believe that.” 

“It’s not like I stopped caring about you.” 

“It sure felt like you did.” 

“Will you just let me explain?” Blaine begs, tears pooling in his eyes and, damn it, there’s no way he can say no. No way he can be the reason those tears coat his cheeks. 

“Fine.” 

“I needed a friend, Sebastian,” Blaine says, his shoulders loosening from where they’re tightly wound. “I needed someone that understood me, that could take one look at me and know the right thing to do. You’ve always been that person and I just really needed that to still be true.” 

His heart stings, pricked by needles and doused in lemon juice. “And what about Kurt? Planning to tell him that we had sex last night?” 

“Kurt and I broke up.” 

It’s quiet, so quiet that he isn't sure he heard it right. He’s thought of hearing that for so long, waited for the facebook notification to inform him that Blaine and finally realised he was better than Kurt Hummel, that he deserved better. Or maybe that he would hear it from Jeff, who had heard it from Nick, who had heard from Thad who had been stalking that one girl that complimented him. Endless scenarios, but this hadn’t been one - Blaine telling him of his own jurisdiction. 

“If you’re looking for condolences, I’m the wrong person to talk to.” 

Blaine’s lip twitches, the threat of a smile hinted at. “We broke up a month ago.” 

“So, what? You came to find me for a quick fuck because you’re lonely?” 

“Not at all, Sebastian,” Blaine pleads and, for the first time, he notices the old woman staring at them in concern. He takes a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. “I wanted to see you. I miss my best friend. I didn’t mean for us to have sex.” 

“It’s not my fault we fucked, Blaine,” he shakes his head, the cup in his hand trembling. “You could’ve said no at any point.” 

“I know that. I didn’t want to say no.” 

He doesn’t get it, any of it, but he’s gone long enough without Blaine, has gone two years without seeing his smile, without his curls and his attempts not to snort at Sebastian’s commentary during practice. He’s gone long enough without his best friend that he knows he doesn’t want to lose him again so, if this is all he’s going to get - a one-time thing because Blaine is mourning the loss of his boyfriend - he’ll take it. 

“Okay.” 

He never said he was the smartest person he knew. Especially when it came to Blaine Anderson.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at love-that-we-were-in on tumblr.


End file.
